I swear there’s nothing I want more in life than to rationalize this, to find the logic, translate it somehow, or make it understandable to my brain. But I can’t. It doesn’t work, I don’t get it. It scares me.
It breaks me to think that I have to be the one to take the first step because I overthink everything. I don’t know how to be spontaneous unless I’m under the influence of something. And I know that never ends well.
I want everything to be crystal clear, and for this knot in my stomach to go away.
I know this is real—I feel it. I also know it’s going to happen. The problem is when, under what circumstances, at what time and place. How will it be? What do I have to do?
I’m nothing but a fool pretending to be grown, feeling like a teenager, reliving a thousand sensations all over again. I’m terrified. The uncertainty is painful, and the waiting is exhausting.
I don’t know how to express myself anymore because it’s something I struggle with so much. I know you do too, but I think I’m more willing to endure the pain than you are.
I’ve lost my appetite, yet I can’t help but smile, and the world is starting to notice. Being in love feels horrifying to me, especially when it’s this sincere. There are no shades of gray, no buts. It’s just one “yes” after another.
The love I feel is so genuine that, ironically, I’m willing to endure the pain of living it.
Mel Bruja 